I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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