wat bout pragnant strippers??
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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