yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
