my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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