What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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