My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
