____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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