It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
