piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
