Kiss
Puke
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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