I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
