Can i not drive my cunt home
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
