That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
