I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
