Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
