my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
