I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
