I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
