I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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