i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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