hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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