new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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