I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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