my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
