I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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