I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
