Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
