Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
