Just fell off a train. Bad.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
