Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
