Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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