Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
