my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize