High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
