Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The Olympian is in my bed
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
