I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
