How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
