Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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