Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize