I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
