my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
