Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
