he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
