he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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