If that was your dad, he is hot
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
