I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
