I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
