non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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