Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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