It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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