I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
