My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
