You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
