it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
