I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up under a house in Key West
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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