I haven't been this sober since birth.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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