I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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