I got chris browned last night
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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