Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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