Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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