my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
