She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
